主题：【文摘与译文】中国人吃什么才好？ -- 红军迷

今天看到这篇，令人拍案叫绝。我把它逐段译出，好让外国朋友们也看看其中的可笑可叹（稍加润色删改，以利西人理解）：

美国反对虐待动物的运动很成功，西方人眼中的熊掌终于成了禁品。芝加哥全面禁食鹅肝前夕，有记者询问某大师傅的看法。大师傅摇头叹气说：看来咱美国人早晚得吃草。

The anti-animal abuse movement in the US is so successful that even duck liver has become taboo. I heard a story about a reporter in Chicago asking a chef what he thought about it. The fellow shook his head and sighed: “Looks like we’re all gonna have to eat grass some day.”

如今回想起来，却再也笑不出，因为中国人吃肉了，所以世界出现粮荒。

Today I can no longer laugh when I think about the story because we Chinese now eat meat and people say that has led to massive food shortages in the world.

如果中国人不吃肉，只吃粮食，能够扭转局面么？如果听任中国人吃个饱，肯定不成。因为印度人一日两餐，所以世界出现粮荒么？中国人比印度人多，而且大都有一日三餐的习惯。印度人一日两餐就叫世界受不了，中国人一日三餐，那还了得！

Would it reverse the situation if we Chinese stopped eating meat and instead ate grains only? That would not work if we were allowed to eat until we are full. That's because some people are already accusing India of contributing to the global food shortages when people there have only two meals a day. The population in China is much larger than in India and most people are accustomed to three meals a day. If the world is unable to sustain two meals a day for the Indians, wouldn't it be a much bigger disaster when we Chinese were allowed three?!

因为中国人喝牛奶了，有13亿人呢，一人喝一升，一天就要13亿升，13亿升牛奶可以把欧洲给淹了，所以德国，欧洲的牛奶制品全部涨价了。

People say the Chinese now drink milk. There are 1.3 billion of them and 1 liter per person per day amounts to 1.3 billion liters. That’s enough to drown the entire Europe. This is why prices for milk products in Europe have skyrocketed.

因为中国人吃奶酪了，有13亿人呢，一人吃一块，一天就要13亿块，13亿块奶酪可以把欧洲的海域给填了，所以德国，欧洲的奶酪制品全部涨价了。

People say the Chinese now eat cheese. There are 1.3 billion of them and 1 slice per person per day amounts to 1.3 billion slices. That's enough to clog up all the seas surrounding Europe. This is why prices for cheese products in Europe have gone crazy.

吃肉不成，喝牛奶不成，吃粮食也不成，为了不令西方世界发达公民吃肉的人权有所损伤，那咱中国人就改吃草，树皮吧？

It is certainly not OK for the Chinese to eat meat. It is not OK for us to drink milk either. And it is not even OK for us to eat grains. Now, how about the Chinese switch their diet to grass in order to avoid violating the human right of citizens of Western countries to eat meat?

嘿嘿！还是不成。如果中国人改吃草，地球早晚得沙漠化，别说粮食不长，草都不长了。等到草都不长的时候，中国人犯下的罪过，那可就是比吃肉还要深沉不知道多少倍。

Wait a minute! That is still not OK. If the Chinese were to convert to eating grass, sooner or later all the grass on the planet would be gone, let alone crops. When the whole globe becomes a desert, the crime committed by the Chinese would be unimaginably worse than what their meat eating would ever entail.

那么，中国人该吃什么？吃水？不成，引起世界水荒。吃空气？不成，引起世界气荒。什么都不吃？还是不成。什么都不吃那还不成了神仙？神仙在天堂里快活。天堂里挤满了中国人，西方发达公民死了该怎么办？不好意思叫人家都下地狱吧？可地狱里面也有很多中国人的，中国人还没有废除死刑，现在每年要枪毙这么多的民主人士，和强奸罪犯，杀人犯，他们都挤在地狱里。该死的西方人要气死了，到处都市中国人，上天无门，下地无洞。

Now, what should we Chinese eat? Water? Not OK, for that would cause water shortages! Air? Not OK, for that would create air shortages! Nothing? Still not OK, for only the gods don't eat anything. The gods live in heaven and if heaven is crowded with all the Chinese, where would citizens of Western countries go when they die? It would be so cruel to ask all of them to go to hell. But even in hell there would be quite a few Chinese because the death penalty for murderous criminals has not been abolished in China. People in the West would be so upset because they would have nowhere to go...

这些S人中国人真不让西方人安宁呀！

These damned Chinese just wouldn't leave the Westerners alone!

• 敢问是文学城的柞里子么？