主题：【文摘】西班牙大猩猩与女王的天体秀--美国娃笔下的世界史 -- 李根
家园 【文摘】西班牙大猩猩与女王的天体秀--美国娃笔下的世界史 http://mitbbs.com/mitbbs_article_t.php?board=Joke&gid=12984339&ftype=0
美国学生“创造”起历史来，丝毫不比“司马迁受多次宫刑”差，先贴一段美国史
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks (tax?)
in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post
without stamps. During the war, Paul Revere was throwing snowballs over
stone walls. (革命领袖咋这形象？）The dogs were barking and the peacocks
crowing, (鸡飞狗跳，够热闹的）， finally, the colonists won the war (殖民者
赢了？这学生够反动的！） and no longer had to pay for taxis (taxes)! (一字
之差，革命的目的咋变得这么渺小呢？！）
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contended Congress (够满意
的）。 Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin (该生大概想写，a Virginian, 一字之差，
Jefferson成了处男，死不瞑目啊） ， and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the Declaration of Independence. (头一回听说两位还是歌手，，该生大概是想写
Signer, not singer). Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in
his pocket (Franklin大概是机器猫）and a loaf of bread under each arm. （$%*
*`!) He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A
horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is
still dead. (叉总算没再回来）
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the father of
our country. (米国出生啦，够形象的） Then the Constitution of the United
States was adopted to secure domestic hostility (Constitution说：我容易吗？
不是亲生的不说，还得协调一家大小的关系） Under the Constitution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms (right to bear arms, 规定一下儿让不让拿
枪也罢了，连光胳膊这样的事都要Constitution操心啊！）
Abraham Lincoln became Americas greatest president. Lincolns mother died in
infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
(超人啊！） When Lincoln was president, he wore only a tall silk hat. (天体
啊） He said, "In onion there is strength." (in Union). Lincoln wrote the
Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back
of an envelope. (大概是Matrix 里才能有的情节）。He also freed the slaves by
signing the Ejacuation Proclamation (Emancipation 这么难写吗？) But the
Clue Clux Clan (KKK该改名为CCC) would torcher (torture） the ex-Negroes and
other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor (order, 够臭
的）。 On the night of April 14, 1965 (?!), Lincoln went to the theater and
got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. (这段太
有想象力了，先是瞧电影，还能被电影里的银射中），The believed assinator was
John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booths career. (
Lincoln被杀有啥重要的，可怜的Booth的明星之路就这么结束了）
France was in a serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before
it happened. (深刻！） The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French
Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars,
the crowned heads of Europe were rembling in their shoes. (瞧叉们这点儿出息
） Then the Spanish gorillas (guerrilla, ) came down from the hills and
nipped at Napoleons flanks. (这句太有感觉了， 大伙儿想象的出，西班牙大猩猩们
从山坡上冲下来，挠咬拿破仑下腰的奇景吗？！！） Napoleon became ill with
bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. (可能是在大猩猩那儿唠
的病根儿） He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a
baroness (baren) she couldnt bear children. (男爵夫人们小心了）
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British empire is in the
East and the sun sets in the west. (长学问啊） The government of England
was a limited mockery (有哲理）。 Henry VIII found walking difficult because
he had an abbess （abscess! ) on his knee. (谁要是有一尼姑在膝盖上也走不了
路）
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen, she was a success. (这女
人要是不嫁啊， 就是当了女王也是做人失败啊！切记！） When Elizabeth exposed
herself before her troops, (女王很前卫啊， 深知官兵们好哪口儿） they all
shouted, "hurrah". Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo
(Armada, 难道是个小号的？）. （看样子，天体盛很刺激军心嘛）
Queen Elizabeth was the longest queen, she sat on a thorn (throne) for 63
years. (女王针扎不进啊，太形象了） Her reclining years and finally the end
of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. (瞧人家这人品和觉悟！）
Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
本帖一共被 1 帖 引用 (帖内工具实现)家园 更狠的……My intercourse schedule http://mitbbs.com/article_t/Joke/13582470.html
发信人: ReDim (Trading is Evil), 信区: Joke
标 题: My Interourse Schedule
发信站: BBS 未名空间站 (Thu Nov 23 12:31:33 2006)
来美国的第一学期,导师让大家列一个选课单,并强调我们是博士班,要从严要求自己,除
了上课还需要把其它时间排得满满的,比如听讲座,看论文之类.这些项目也要列上.
于是我第二天交了一份<<课间安排表>>--My intercourse schedule
永远也忘不了老师当时看我的表情
老板挺逗,说
If intercourse is what you really meant, it should be listed as
extracurricular activities.
当然,当时我还是没反应过来.最后是问了办公室一美国女孩才知道的……
家园 我也开始注释全文第一段：古代史吧 The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies.（头一句就牛到家了！原来底比斯是死人城……） They lived in the Sarah Dessert（Sahara Desert, 这个么，玩笑了） and traveled by Camelot（camel？原来宫殿也会从英国游泳到非洲的）. The climate of the Sarah issuch that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere（木乃伊也怕热的？？）, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation（突然想起了“愤怒的葡萄”，或许可以这么解释）. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain（这又牛到家了，金字塔不愧是木乃伊居民的杰作，他们个个会移山法）.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.（世界上最早的漫画书？） In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses（Genesis没那么难写吧？）, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.（那以后还要吃苹果？同类相残啊……） One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" （这算什么辈分？这样算来该隐可就又多个“弑父”的罪名了）God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac（Isaac，还牛顿呢） on Mount Montezuma.（Mount Moriah,蒙特苏马山？？对美洲历史挺熟悉么） Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark.（birthright，权利可以偷，胎记也偷得的？） Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it.（participant？） One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.（没稻草还是能做面包的，供应小麦和木柴就行了） Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.（是面包么？空气吧……） Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide（Mount Sinai，氰化物山！！上帝啊……） to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.（玩弄说谎者？） He fougth（fought） with the Philatelists,
（Philistines，和集邮家作战……希望今天以色列人别有这个传统了） a race of people who lived
in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines
（progenitures？养500豪猪干什么？驱使它们打仗？耶，以后也画个“所罗门五百士”……）.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.（这段我不熟） They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. （他怎么想出来的？）One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. （invincible？原来阿咯琉斯之踵是因为他受不住了才造成的弱点）Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity"（Odessey，河马估计才会去写Oddity）, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his
journey.（？不熟） Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.（这逻辑混乱到无语，自己笑吧）
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. （精辟！最早的教学血案！）Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.（虽然他老婆厉害，但是这句怎么看都会让人误解……）
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits（discus，掷饼干的那是推销员）, and threw the java（是javelin才对！掷出爪哇岛？？！我看还是把你扔到爪哇去得了）. The reward to the victor was a coral（laurel，珊瑚的带上会舒服？） wreath. The government of Athen（Athens） was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.（这真是民主的本质啊……） There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. （按这逻辑，西藏该是最和平的地方了？）When they fought the Parisians（Persians,巴黎蛮子还是以后的事情）, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.（我越发怀疑这位还会不会说人话）
Eventually, the Ramons（Romans） conquered the Geeks.（Greeks，罗马人——征服小丑的英雄？） History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. （这句笑料在哪里？估计有双关语，求解）At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair.（头戴大蒜的罗马战士是啥形象？） Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.（消灭自己的恺撒……） The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany （tyrant）who would torture his poor subjects by playing the
fiddle to them.（那是尼禄么？那是发条橙！）
家园 due time有生孩子预产期的含义?adopt (采用 方案;收养孩子),这些在这里都是双关语.
家园 华盛顿的老婆是一个富有的寡妇,带着两个 孩子嫁来的.要有这个背景知识那段才好笑.那段把老华的家事和美国的国事混在一起,充分利用了domestic(家庭内部的;国内的)和FATHER(老华是后爸,自己没亲生孩子;他也是美国的国父,这个倒是亲生的)词的双关性,把那段句子搞的歧义百出,也很好笑.
老华的钱主要是那寡妇的陪嫁,这对老华也很重要.要是老华后来衣食无着的话,赖着不交权就有一定的可能性了.虽说这有点以小人之心度君子之腹,但从老华的历史也可看出,不能跟着光棍闹革命!
家园 富兰克林的故事在这里,他老人家 运气够好的,出洋相的时候被未来的老婆看见了.这人走起运来,上帝都拦不住.
老富一生从最穷的打工崽变成富翁,老了还走桃花运无数!美国梦的最早的原型应该就是老富的一生. 一直想抽空去看老富的传记而没看成,这次一定去看.
http://books.google.ca/books?id=040a5Xs-3ogC&dq=Franklin,+a+loaf+of+bread+&pg=RA3-PA17&ots=cnf0TpCoxS&sig=x-wyHXmnkQKEOAQfuq7ur5n6w9U&prev=http://www.google.ca/search%3Fhl%3Dzh-CN%26q%3DFranklin%252C%2Ba%2Bloaf%2Bof%2Bbread%2B%26btnG%3DGoogle%2B%25E6%2590%259C%25E7%25B4%25A2&sa=X&oi=print&ct=result&cd=2
家园 colonists(殖民者)在英文里没有贬义, 原注有点小错.第一段最后一句好笑的是把TAX写成 TAXIS,美国人就成了"别说几个破西瓜,老子在美国打的都不给钱"的西部好汉!
家园 Spanish Armada 是大家熟知的西班牙无敌舰队 帝国皇家海军的光荣传统就是从那里开始的.Armada是西文太难,这伙计给换成了英文的Spanish Armadillo(一种小动物)西班牙野兔啥的,搞成了帝国海军在德雷克大海盗的领导下看了女王的天体表演才奋勇击败了几只黄鼠狼啥的. Armadillo到底是啥,有人见过没有?
家园 美国宪法说公民有拥有和携带武器的权利, "rights to hold and bear arms." ,这伙计错成BARE ARMS,发音完全一样,意思就成了光了的膀子.
家园 "美国人民有光膀子的权利!"
